Hear Ye, Hear Ye

To all the pregnant ladies out there: Don’t talk to me for a few days, okay? Thanks.

To the manufacturers of early pregnancy detection kits: Eff you.

To the guy who drew the line between ‘conceive even when you’re trying not to’ and ‘advanced maternal age:’ What? Did your mother potty train you too early or something? Because you clearly hate women.

To the “intelligent” designer who gave women the emotional maturity for motherhood at precisely the same time her egg quality degrades: Even if you did exist I wouldn’t teach you in schools because you’re stupid.

To all the friends and family who expressed righteous anger when I told them I’m not pregnant again: Thank you. That was exactly the right thing to say.

Now on to happier things.

Puppy Updates

  • The Puppy has mastered identification of colors! So long as everything you point to is blue.
  • He has a distinct obsession with airplanes. Totally by accident, we showed him some YouTube videos of take offs and landings. Oops. Now he runs to the laptop every morning and afternoon, points excitedly and yells, “Plane! Plane!” He alternates between staring hypnotically at the screen and babbling with boisterous animation. Kinda hard to deny the kid his YouTube time…
  • He is now quite adept at putting on his socks. Over his shoes.
  • I’ve taken up knitting again. How is that a Puppy update? I’m doing it for him—obviously. Stay tuned for lopsided hats and pull-overs with their neck holes in the wrong place.
  • I don’t think he’s eaten a vegetable in 32 days. He’d probably only eat one if he found it on the ground of the bathroom stall in Train Spotting.
  • I’ve taught him the opposite of face or top is butt. And I’m proud he absorbed the lesson so well.
  • A woman in my office complained the other day that her husband taught their two-year-old daughter to crook her index finger and waggle it while repeating, “Redrum” in a creepy, guttural voice. How is that a Puppy update? It isn’t… yet.
  • There are very few odious tasks that can’t be made less odious with 23 rounds of If You’re Happy and You Know it
  • Marching-band practice trumps bath time, hands down.
Puppy went on his first amusement park rides at the Fair last weekend.
The giant slide was a huge hit.
He went on it three times.
And he rode these racers twice.
But his all-time favorite ride…
…was the foot massager.
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